Despair – a state where all hope is absent.
On moments when I feel that despair is taking over, eto yung mga times na I wish na this is all just a movie – where hindi ko need problemahin how the main characters will pull this off and make it work.
Tapos I would just sit back and wait for the “5 years later” na caption, just to skip the difficult part.
Sometimes, I don’t want to see what will happen anymore. It’s too scary to think of what could possibly happen. Like, what if after 2 years, and you’re still thinking of him? (…”two years later you’re still on my mind.” -Someday We’ll Know) Or what if eventually my friend chose a decision that led to a worse consequence?
I feel this too for my friends and other people important to me. During that time when we hug each other for support. Most of the time, I have a good advice for them, pero may times when I really do not know what to do anymore to help. Kaya gusto ko na lang mag skip to “…a few years later”, kasi ayaw ko na makita ang super daming sadness na to.
I sometimes believe that only time can heal. That is a sure answer, pero it’s not something that I want to hear. It’s like this:
“Ang sakit ng heart ko araw-araw. Kelan ba ako gagaling?”
“Hmm, hindi ako sure. Depende sa ability mo to heal eh. It will take time.”
“Iba iba kasi per person. Sa iba, months lang. Sa iba, years.”
“Pero gagaling ako?”
“Well… hindi ka talaga gagaling. Masasanay ka lang sa feeling.”
Gyaaaah. Pero ganun talaga diba? That’s how things really are. There are things that we cannot control. I’ve learned this the hard way. Dati, I believed that I have control of things na nangyayari, until the painful thing happened. Only then I learned about the famous two words of “letting go”.
Sure there are things that we cannot control, but we have control of ourselves and of the decisions that we choose on that given situation. If it’s something na dapat talaga tanggapin, then dapat tanggapin. Accept, move on, learn from it.
Recently, I am also learning that accepting and healing need more time than I expected. I thought it would be easy, because I am a person who everybody believed to be capable of overcoming things like these. I do not want to disappoint every one, but I want to be patient with myself. I want to give time some time.
So if you stumble upon my blog, because you are looking for ways to heal a broken heart, I could only tell you that the best way to deal with things like these is to accept it. That person who left you is probably someone who you loved with fiber of your being, or someone who you would absolutely die for.
But now that they’re gone, you have to let them be where they believe they’d be happy, if not happier. It is only selfishness if you wish them to be yours, when they clearly cannot stay with you.
With all honesty, I still cannot accept that I need to accept. Haha. (Pero alam ko na I need to.) I still have some fight left in me. I still believe that one day he will be back, and I would still be waiting. But as time goes by, every picture na andun sila that I see which his friends post, every news I hear about them which his friends accidentally tell me, it’s slowly breaking me apart. Maybe one day, I will be finally, completely broken and only then will I completely accept.
Letting go is never easy. We all know that. It is so much easier to tie yourself on a boulder and then sink yourself in a muddy lake, than let go (exaggeration, come on people). It is like a tree letting go of its leaves during autumn. One by one, until everything has completely fallen. Come spring, and then the leaves will be back and they will be even greener than ever.
What becomes of the broken hearted then? I still believe that they eventually get up and move on with their lives to conquer the world.
… or you could just read this old post.
Stay romantic everyone. I know you start to become less romantic because of a heartbreak. But don’t let it die out. I’d like to share a lot about it, but that, my friends, will be a blog post for another day.