Nightmares


“Mamamatay daw ako sa friday.”

I told Tinnie from across the table at Starbucks, where we were eating our Mango Bravo. I was telling her about my dream last night. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised, “HA?”

“Well, ganun ung sabi sa dream ko. We were trapped daw inside this castle – na parang yung castle sa Super Mario Brothers. Tapos nakulong daw ako and I was sentenced to death kasi daw maingay ako!!” I said, giggling at how my nightmare, which scared me so much when I woke up, sounded funny and ridiculous now that I was telling it out loud.

We were laughing now all about my nightmare, myself mostly because I enjoyed the feeling of relief when I opened my eyes this morning and realized that supposedly death sentence on Friday was just a nightmare.

We packed our stuff and prepared to go home. It was Kuching’s (Tinnie’s light blue Honda city) first time in Nuvali tonight. We decided to go there in Nuvali in Laguna for dinner tonight because it was such a boring day… and I really missed the South. Now that I work in Quezon City, I get so little exposure from my old home now.

I went back to our old office in Alabang today. I missed how the sky looked here. I know, I know, the sky is always the same. But for me, Alabang has its own piece of the sky. It was warm and and it always made you feel safe.

Alabang Sky

Alabang Sky

Why was I back in Alabang today? Because boredom and depression were hovering around me again. Facebook didn’t help, in fact, it actually made it worse – realizing that my group of friends are actually not inviting me anymore on events because of things that I’m not sure of anymore. It could be because of one of them hates me, or probably most of them, but I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

I know some of them still care, and still make it a point to me that they still do. Maybe that’s why I can’t completely burn off the bridge, because of those strong friendships I have with some of them.

I promised myself to stay home for the weekend, to make most of the time with mom while she’s still here in Manila. She’s gonna leave soon for the US for good. But, this afternoon, after getting repeatedly rejected for invitations for a movie – which I desperately wanted to see – by different people, my mood really plummeted down. I rarely get to invite people anymore, knowing that some of my old friends couldn’t be talked to. But to be fair, they really do have their reasons. Some of them have already seen it, some really do not have money, and some are just busy.

I left home this afternoon, an hour before sunset and while I was in a jeepney bound for Alabang, I was reminded of how fast MRT was, back then, I was thinking of the demanding and swift changes in my life. But this time, this speed, it’s not taking me anywhere where there are gonna be changed. “Maybe I’m just running away from my sadness?” I couldn’t face the things my friends were telling me that I did wrong. “Was I the only one who was wrong and should suffer? Were you guys just wanting something from me and when I disappointed all of you, you thought I betrayed you? You want me to tell you everything about the truth? Stories about my love life and who I be with all the time? Is that the way our group thinks now? ”

*breathes*

I’ve had it with your animosity.

Sometimes I wish I am really just in this big and winding nightmare. The feeling of pain and sadness is real, but it will wear off when I wake up. When I open my eyes, the bad feeling will go away and you will see that it’s just a dream. None of it happened, but you still learned from it and still felt what it was like.

But I can’t. That’s what I have to face now. Hopefully, if I face my future sadness and depression now, I will not runaway to Alabang again. There wouldn’t always be a place to run home to, someday we have to look at sadness and depression in their faces and … accept that you are only human – that it’s okay because these things really happen.

I want to look at them and say that, “Okay, you could stay here for awhile, while I sort out how I feel. But you have to go someday when I’m okay because you are not welcome.”

It’s time to force myself to wake up and realize that this is nothing but a bad dream. A bad dream.

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