I was watching my reflection on the MRT window this morning. I realized that I was the same girl who was riding the Odakyu line from Sagami-ono – short hair with a big set of white headphones on my head.
“You should not try to avoid loneliness anymore.” I told her.
(silently of course, I didn’t want to be looked at strangely)
“There is a way out of the loneliness. You know you could draw a map out of it if you just figure it out more and be patient with it.”
True. Today I realized, for the longest time since Loneliness introduced itself to me, I didn’t take my time to actually understand him. I would go out with my friends, explore new things and then come back home and realized that loneliness was right there, waiting for me.
Recently, I have been trying to sit with Loneliness. “Get outta my life! I don’t want to see you everyday!” I wanted to shout at him. But I know Loneliness will just shake his head in defeat and continue to remind me of my mistakes and those who left.
Two years ago, that girl I saw in the MRT reflection, was that still the same me? I was different back then. I knew of loneliness, but I thought I could leave him behind. I thought, maybe if I go out, mawawala rin siya pag uwi ko. But I was wrong.
So now, I am taking my time. Loneliness and I are having a series of conversations everyday. I am hoping that I would be able to find out what he wants from me and that he would leave me alone for a long time.
No loneliness, I’m not afraid of you anymore.
I am going to stop things that are not in my principles. To set myself free, to stop hurting another person and to make someone realize what he wants. I am going to make amends and make up with old friends who I sincerely, painfully miss right now.
I stepped out and got off at Quezon Avenue station, leaving that old me behind.